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Ash's spaceIf you understand me...congratulations! |
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October 08 Stay - Sugarland"Stay" I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call It's just another call from home And you'll get it and be gone And I'll be crying And I'll be begging you, baby Beg you not to leave But I'll be left here waiting With my Heart on my sleeve Oh, for the next time we'll be here Seems like a million years And I think I'm dying What do I have to do to make you see She can't love you like me? Why don't you stay I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely Don't I give you what you need When she calls you to go There is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay You keep telling me, baby There will come a time When you will leave her arms And forever be in mine But I don't think that's the truth And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting It's too much pain to have to bare To love a man you have to share Why don't you stay I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely Don't I give you what you need When she calls you to go There is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay I can't take it any longer But my will is getting stronger And I think I know just what I have to do I know just what I have to do I can't waste another minute After all that I've put in it I've given you my best Why does she get the best of you So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine Why don't you stay I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of being lonely You can't give me what I need When she begs you not to go There is one thing you should know I don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay, yeah Fate? Karma? God? whats to blame or is it just me?Ever since I was in high school I have been keeping this book of poems and lyrics and shit like that, just stuff that reminds me of a certain moment. But some moments you just cant find a song or poem to go with it so I this year I tryed to keep a journal to write what happend to remind me of it and I found thats not really working. I found that it is to personally attaching, that I cant get an outlook on what other people feel. So here I am hoping to get help from you. I dont really have a faith and I dont really understand fate and destiny or even karma for that matter. But things have been happening that I cant see how they "happen for a reason" . Well this year didnt really start off too well. New years day was good, I mean how cant it be when you have the man you love right beside you. But then my B-day came and that sucked I was completely shafted by all my friends, even my best friend didnt stop by, however my rock was right there beside. Then I have a whirl wind of a catastrophe of a roomate (which by the way was the reason I started the journal). Then on April 13, I got the worst flu I had ever had, I ended up in the hospital with dehyration which the nurses told me is the worst she had seen. After the hospital trip I was supposed to get better, which I kinda did but a week and 20 lbs later I decided that I needed to see a doctor and find out what was going on. 9 hrs later and a billion tests taken I am diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. It is a condition that completely fucks with your body. Ever since then I have had to completely change my life, the only constant thing would be my fiance being there with me. There are people telling me that god has a plan, that my destiny will show what is ment to be, and my mind is saying what did I do to deserve this. I am trying to stay up beat and happy but I also feel that the world is fucking me over. However I have found who my friends are, and might I say there are only a few. April 29 What the hell is in my headOk so last night (this morning ...whenever i was in bed) I had a dream. It was a strange dream with gargoyles and Darkwing Duck. I was for some reason a cartoon...kinda betty boop meets Jessicca Rabit meets the parents off of the Rugrats. Anyway I was walking down the street when i was attacked by a gargoyl, then low and behold Darkwing Duck came and tried to same my life but insted screwed up and I ended up being blasted into the future where everything was like the jetsons and all space like. While i was there i did jetson things, you know made a science thing, went to the mall... man are space clothes cute, and for some reson i did the dishes. Keep in mind i havent watched any of these cartoons in years. But anyway, while i was there i realised i didnt know anyone but Becky who kinda looked like miss piggy(sorry becky but you did). We were walking along when Becky got the great idea to go to the future circus. As i walked into the tent/dome space thing I woke up.
What the hell goes on inside my head to make me dream up shit like this. I was Walking with A GhostTeagan and Sara - I Was Walking With a Ghost
No matter which way you go No matter which way you stay You're out of my mind, out of my mind Out of my mind, out of my mind I was walking with a ghost I said please, please don't insist I was walking with a ghost I said please, please don't insist April 21 2 days to the monthI just want you to know its been a while.
I'm not shying away,
I'm trying to make it last.
I just want you to know its been a while.
Will this be forever,
Thats up to you.
I just want you to know its been a while.
I try not to fall
But somehow i trip.
I just want you to know its been a while.
I try to contol myself,
But that makes it worse.
I just want you to know its been a while.
Your in control now
Please don't hurt me.
I just want you to know its been a while.
It may not look like it
But I am fragile.
I just want you to know its been a while.
I may seem like im already there,
But I'm not
So lets take it slow
I just want you to know its been a while. Everyone leavesI sit here trying to wrtie a new entry ( i know its been a while) but all I can think about is how everything is crumbling down. Dez is leaving, thats not new news. James is leaving, that was kinda sprung on me. All I get is "your my best friend... oh ya I'm moving next week". I havent talked to Teri in who knows how long. Becky is never in town. Naomi and I havent talked since just before I graded. Granted Kim ramdomly stopped by to say "hellu" and "we should get together". Chicken, Russell, Matt they all moved and I only talked to them once every 4months it seems ...and thats on msn. Havent talked to Ryan since i quit Tae Kwon do. Yes there are the new people in my life, that makes me feel stupid for even stressing over the others. But its the others who were with me in the "making of me". They are the ones who helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. Wether helping me was slamming my head into a brick wall (trust me funny now), or getting me really really really drunk, or letting me laugh at there problems so i would forget my own, they all helped. I sit here of the verg of tears remembering all the times we had knowing there wont be many ..if any more. I can try to analyze the hell out this with the "its all for the best" "itll make you a stronger person" bull shit, but really itll make no difference. Why does everything have to be so complicated. Ever since kindergarden Ive been faced with hard transitions, ive got over all of them even when i didnt think i would, why is this one so tough? I really need a new job. Working late nights is cool, but I am missing out on way too much of my life because of it. Maybe Dolly was right a 9-5 is really what I need. I no longer see the sun , I sleep the day away...we'll really thats not cus of the late night thing, thats just me.... I havent been home at a decent hour ...ever... and i wonder why I'm sick. Where has my life gone? I went from kindergarten to old in a blink of an eye. Actually if you counted all the exciting moment in my life (that are good) it wouldnt even take a blink really. And i wonder why im going grey. fuck. April 03 WOWHow is it that some people just know the right things to say at the right time. They can say the things that make your heart skip a beat and all your worries drift away. Any concerns you may have had, are now just dust in the wind. The few seconds it took to string the words together are in no comparisson to the multitude of moments they linger in your mind consuming your entire being with a sensation unexplainable. The ability to take your heart away with the simplest words. The ability to make you feel on top of the world with just a glance. |
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