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October 08 Stay - Sugarland"Stay" I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call It's just another call from home And you'll get it and be gone And I'll be crying And I'll be begging you, baby Beg you not to leave But I'll be left here waiting With my Heart on my sleeve Oh, for the next time we'll be here Seems like a million years And I think I'm dying What do I have to do to make you see She can't love you like me? Why don't you stay I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely Don't I give you what you need When she calls you to go There is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay You keep telling me, baby There will come a time When you will leave her arms And forever be in mine But I don't think that's the truth And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting It's too much pain to have to bare To love a man you have to share Why don't you stay I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely Don't I give you what you need When she calls you to go There is one thing you should know We don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay I can't take it any longer But my will is getting stronger And I think I know just what I have to do I know just what I have to do I can't waste another minute After all that I've put in it I've given you my best Why does she get the best of you So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine Why don't you stay I'm up off my knees I'm so tired of being lonely You can't give me what I need When she begs you not to go There is one thing you should know I don't have to live this way Baby, why don't you stay, yeah Fate? Karma? God? whats to blame or is it just me?Ever since I was in high school I have been keeping this book of poems and lyrics and shit like that, just stuff that reminds me of a certain moment. But some moments you just cant find a song or poem to go with it so I this year I tryed to keep a journal to write what happend to remind me of it and I found thats not really working. I found that it is to personally attaching, that I cant get an outlook on what other people feel. So here I am hoping to get help from you. I dont really have a faith and I dont really understand fate and destiny or even karma for that matter. But things have been happening that I cant see how they "happen for a reason" . Well this year didnt really start off too well. New years day was good, I mean how cant it be when you have the man you love right beside you. But then my B-day came and that sucked I was completely shafted by all my friends, even my best friend didnt stop by, however my rock was right there beside. Then I have a whirl wind of a catastrophe of a roomate (which by the way was the reason I started the journal). Then on April 13, I got the worst flu I had ever had, I ended up in the hospital with dehyration which the nurses told me is the worst she had seen. After the hospital trip I was supposed to get better, which I kinda did but a week and 20 lbs later I decided that I needed to see a doctor and find out what was going on. 9 hrs later and a billion tests taken I am diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. It is a condition that completely fucks with your body. Ever since then I have had to completely change my life, the only constant thing would be my fiance being there with me. There are people telling me that god has a plan, that my destiny will show what is ment to be, and my mind is saying what did I do to deserve this. I am trying to stay up beat and happy but I also feel that the world is fucking me over. However I have found who my friends are, and might I say there are only a few. April 29 What the hell is in my headOk so last night (this morning ...whenever i was in bed) I had a dream. It was a strange dream with gargoyles and Darkwing Duck. I was for some reason a cartoon...kinda betty boop meets Jessicca Rabit meets the parents off of the Rugrats. Anyway I was walking down the street when i was attacked by a gargoyl, then low and behold Darkwing Duck came and tried to same my life but insted screwed up and I ended up being blasted into the future where everything was like the jetsons and all space like. While i was there i did jetson things, you know made a science thing, went to the mall... man are space clothes cute, and for some reson i did the dishes. Keep in mind i havent watched any of these cartoons in years. But anyway, while i was there i realised i didnt know anyone but Becky who kinda looked like miss piggy(sorry becky but you did). We were walking along when Becky got the great idea to go to the future circus. As i walked into the tent/dome space thing I woke up.
What the hell goes on inside my head to make me dream up shit like this. I was Walking with A GhostTeagan and Sara - I Was Walking With a Ghost
No matter which way you go No matter which way you stay You're out of my mind, out of my mind Out of my mind, out of my mind I was walking with a ghost I said please, please don't insist I was walking with a ghost I said please, please don't insist April 21 2 days to the monthI just want you to know its been a while.
I'm not shying away,
I'm trying to make it last.
I just want you to know its been a while.
Will this be forever,
Thats up to you.
I just want you to know its been a while.
I try not to fall
But somehow i trip.
I just want you to know its been a while.
I try to contol myself,
But that makes it worse.
I just want you to know its been a while.
Your in control now
Please don't hurt me.
I just want you to know its been a while.
It may not look like it
But I am fragile.
I just want you to know its been a while.
I may seem like im already there,
But I'm not
So lets take it slow
I just want you to know its been a while. Everyone leavesI sit here trying to wrtie a new entry ( i know its been a while) but all I can think about is how everything is crumbling down. Dez is leaving, thats not new news. James is leaving, that was kinda sprung on me. All I get is "your my best friend... oh ya I'm moving next week". I havent talked to Teri in who knows how long. Becky is never in town. Naomi and I havent talked since just before I graded. Granted Kim ramdomly stopped by to say "hellu" and "we should get together". Chicken, Russell, Matt they all moved and I only talked to them once every 4months it seems ...and thats on msn. Havent talked to Ryan since i quit Tae Kwon do. Yes there are the new people in my life, that makes me feel stupid for even stressing over the others. But its the others who were with me in the "making of me". They are the ones who helped me through some of the hardest times of my life. Wether helping me was slamming my head into a brick wall (trust me funny now), or getting me really really really drunk, or letting me laugh at there problems so i would forget my own, they all helped. I sit here of the verg of tears remembering all the times we had knowing there wont be many ..if any more. I can try to analyze the hell out this with the "its all for the best" "itll make you a stronger person" bull shit, but really itll make no difference. Why does everything have to be so complicated. Ever since kindergarden Ive been faced with hard transitions, ive got over all of them even when i didnt think i would, why is this one so tough? I really need a new job. Working late nights is cool, but I am missing out on way too much of my life because of it. Maybe Dolly was right a 9-5 is really what I need. I no longer see the sun , I sleep the day away...we'll really thats not cus of the late night thing, thats just me.... I havent been home at a decent hour ...ever... and i wonder why I'm sick. Where has my life gone? I went from kindergarten to old in a blink of an eye. Actually if you counted all the exciting moment in my life (that are good) it wouldnt even take a blink really. And i wonder why im going grey. fuck. April 03 WOWHow is it that some people just know the right things to say at the right time. They can say the things that make your heart skip a beat and all your worries drift away. Any concerns you may have had, are now just dust in the wind. The few seconds it took to string the words together are in no comparisson to the multitude of moments they linger in your mind consuming your entire being with a sensation unexplainable. The ability to take your heart away with the simplest words. The ability to make you feel on top of the world with just a glance. March 29 Things you may not know about meI am a coulrophobe (since I was young, I couldn’t play with my train cause the conductor was a clown) I am an arachnephobe I am not afraid of hieghts.... Just falling from them I can fit 2&1/2 packs of hubba bubba in my mouth at once...but can’t eat a Popsicle I have insanely high arches I am oh so very against cheating.... in any way or form I value friendship with my life My family is very important to me.... Trust me if you met them you’d want to stick around too I am 5'4 but like to tell people I am 5'6 I have blue eyes on most of the days (they change color) I have one really sharp tooth I laugh more at shows when I’m by myself then with other people I tend to be a little crazy at times (who doesn’t know that though) I love to cuddle I have acid reflux disease I have a weak stomach (I see puke …I puke) I love to fight (pretend fighting mostly) I do what people tell me I cant just to prove them wrong I didn’t talk to my sister (the real one) for a year.... It was mom tell Fe this I hate peas unless they’re fresh from the garden I can’t cook I am addicted to blue and white freezies (when I’m not already cold) I am partially dyslexic I like romance except when it’s overdone I don’t really care what others think of me if you want to know me then get to know me If you’re going to judge me then just fuck off you’re not worth my time.
Andrew I love you Get better soonIts amazing how your life can change in the blink of your eye, or the turn of your head. My pretty well brother Andrew is lucky to be alive or at least not paralysed today. Last night he got into a bad car accedent which could have killed him. I found out today at work by his mom, who hasnt really got that much of a clue on how bad hes really doing. It breaks my heart to see such good people get the shitty end of a bad transaction. Not only did he get into the accident, they are trying to place the blame of the entire accident on him apparently. If thats how it is then, not only is he lucky to be alive, he's going to have to pay an expensive medical bill to stay that way. (another branch rots away)
How do we grow up so fast, one minute your a kid playing neighbourhood tag, to being the crazy old lady on the end of the street that wont let the kids play in her yard. I remember being young, and never being inside. I was always playing with the other kids, or even just playing in the back yard with my matchbox cars. (usually killing them in a natural disaster, or having them stampeded by a herd of wild horses(my little pony)) I never had a care in the world as a kid. Now I cant seem to stop worrying. I am usually happy, crazy and rather flambouyent, but recently things are just falling apart.
On a happier note, I had a good day today. Even though Lyn was managing, it was a good shift. Just ask Steve and Stan. (I think they thought i was nuts) .... but like i said " I'm not the life of the party, I am the party", in a bad mood I can usually think of something to do, (usually involves some kind of dancing in the street). Or bored...anyone up for crazy carpeting.... just dont get hurt this time...well not too hurt atleast. I have been spending alot of time out of the house, which is pretty healthy for me. I have a tendency to lonerize myself. Some days its peaceful just to be with yourself.
Coulrophobia isn't fun to have.... i just realised how many fucking clowns there are out there. Why the fuck would someone want to be a clown.
Well that was random.
But thank you to the people I do have around me, who support me and dont fuck with my head. I Love you all.
falling from the tree of lifeFalling From the Tree of Life Crashing through the leaves of green, The limbs that used to support me, Have rotten away. No where to grasp. Nothing to hold. So I just keep falling. Finally one limb holds me up, Keeps me from falling onto the rocks below. But how long will it hold? Or will it just let go?
In this Skin In this skin I feel so alone Not the person I was And unsure of Who I will be.
Random Quotes I Live ByDaily Prayer:
Please God, put your arms around my shoulders
and your hand over my mouth
Anger is only one letter short of danger.
If someone betrays you once its his fault
If someone betrays you twices its your fault.
He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses friends, loses more;
He who loses faith, loses all!
Yesterday is history
Tomorrows a mystery
Tdays a gift
Love isnt blind; it only sees what matters!
B - babe
I- in
T- total
C- control of
H- herself
B- beautiful
I- intelligent
T- talented
C - charming
H- hell of a woman
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR
WITHOUT YOUR CONCENT
I dont have an attitude problem
You have a perception problem!
Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person
is like expecting an angry bull not to charge you because you are a vegetarian!
The evening news they begin with "good evening"
then proceed to tell you why it isnt.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
sticks and stones are hard on bones
aimed with angry art words can sting like anything
but silence breaks the heart
Two rules for success 1) dotn tell people everything you know
A pat on the back is a few centemeters away
from a kick in the ass
when the going gets tough everyone leaves
Those who dance are concidered insane
by those who cant hear the music
Anger is a condition in which the tongue
works faster than the mind
You come to find love not by finding the perfect person
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly
A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum
A kiss aint a kiss
without some tongue
So open your mouth
And close yoru eyes
And give your tongue some exercise
Ashley's a moron we all knowAttack of the Killer three headed monkeys
Ok well it all happend the other day, i was watching tv when all of a sudden i looked to my left just to see the the three headed monkey was about to take my toes off with a super sharp wrench ( and as you know nobody touches my feet) How he got the wrench really really sharp I have no idea, but it was sharp so i went to go kick it in the head right and it starts all this Kung Fu shit. who would've known that the monkey was in karate. well back to what happened, i was trying to get to the bathroom. while I was on my way the one monkey multiplied into 18 monkeys and i was surrounded. so i went into my super turtle belt and whipped out some toothpaste. You see toothpaste is like killer three headed monkey cryptonite. not the good stuff the stuff that paralyses them right. so i squirted them all, all but one and how was i to know that when one killer three headed monkeys are in danger they multiply right so he was popping out little monkeys all over the place, and I just kept squirting the toothepaste till i ran out...and we will return to the program after these messages.
Our new line of mens thongs, newly hand crafted by grose r us, are now available in Ucky stores near you.
And back to our program.
Then I realised that the bathroom door had a lock on i. so I ran into the bathroom to think, while I was thinking I remebered that my hidiously incredebly ugly cousin Alli was in the other room. I thought to myself, 'cause thats what you do when you think, "i wonder if killer three headed monkeys were afraid of ugly people?" i thought i might as well take a chance, i mean what could happen they could hit her across the face and make her look better or it could kill the three headed monkeys. i mean theres a really good chance, so i did and they ran like the little ninnys they are. So the moral of the story is always befriend ugly people cause you never know when youll be attacked by three headed monkeys.!
March 28 me vs myselfMe vs Myself
I've been running from my feelings
been running for so long
I convinced myself that I don't need someone
I told myself hold on little girl
I know what he's done to you
I know a broken hesrt can be this bad
but you have everyone fooled
looking so calm so cool and fine
but inside your screaming
running around not knowing what to do
I know your broken
cause he left you here so lonesome
he said you were a bad influence
he said you were too good for him
he made your thought go and hide
leaving you here so empty
leaving you looking through a broken mirror
wanting him to notice you
because baby you know your worth it
but the worst is over now
cause i dont see your face no more
I no longer see myself.
Well Fuck you, you son of a bitch I'm over it know and I wont look for you everywhere I go.
You are no longer the demon in the shadows. I have new Hope, and a life that has guided me through the darkness.You are nothing more than a faint memory. I am a new person who has a reflection that smiles back. March 26 the past 28 hoursOk well lets start off saying that Denny's is fucking hell. No wait Denny's isnt good enough to be hell, Denny's is just the limbo between heaven and hell, the pergatory that awaits you after a lifetime of being fucked over.
So with that said lets see how the past 28 hours went for me. March 25th 2006 I was schedualed to work from 5pm tp 9pm but no that isnt how my day started. HQH was in and yup you guessed it i had to start work at 4:30 and didn't punch out until 9:15 without any type of break in between. During my HQH shift I was the dancing curcus monkey of dennys. I swear if it would have made the resturaunt look any better they would have made me clean the tables while standing on my head.Just about cryed during that shift, if it hadnt been for Dez and the fact that I knew i was going to go and see Adam I would have cryed. So thats not that bad. I go and see Adam for the 2 and 1/2 hours between my shifts for his B-day, the one person that kept me from screaming crying and completely freaking out. I get back to work at midnight and we get one of the worst bar rushes Dennys has had since new years. Not only are we slammed, the place is filled with idiots who cant seem to stay in one fucking place and move to where ever the fuck they want to. Oh ya FUCK SELF SEATERS THEY CAN ALL ROT IN DENNYS LIMBO/PERGETORY. The wait for food was 1&1/2 hrs with Mike(spakle) in the back cooking and only 3 servers in the front. Throughout my shedualed 12am- 5 am shift i cryed 3 times and had Damien have to tell me that it was all worth while and that everything gets better in the end. Yay to Damien for keeping me sane for the extra hour and 15 minutes I put in that shift, making my day total worked hours 11.
Yay fucking yay to Dennys!!!
I get home at 7am and go to bed with the "happy" knowledge that I had to be back at Dennys at 5pm that day. So 5pm rolls around i punch in and no sooner does Lyn Dennys bitch manager come up to me and start shit with me. Telling me that the managers arent impressed with the fact that i aparently always try to get my shifts covered and leave early..."but she thinks i'm a great host"... fuck her .. thats my day goodbye.
March 24 About meThings you should know about me
I am stubborn
I like to get what I want
I like a challenge
I am feircly competetive
I am a freak for basketball
I am laid back , easy going
I like to be apart of the crowd but not the center of attention
I like to go for long walks
I like to be alone (or at least just me and another)
I like food but food sometimes doesnt like me
I am witty
I hate to be forced into anything
I hate being told what to do
I tend to do what people say i cant just to prove them wrong
I am open to new experiences
I am open minded
I love the rain ...walking in it, watching it , Kissing in it
I not actually used to being called Ashley .... its usually just Piche
Favorites
flower - daisy
color - blue
food - pasta
place - anywhere small and quiet
number - 12
sprot - BASKETBALL
Pet Peeves
shoes
naturally stupid people
peer pressure
people touching my feet
hot dogs
parents who cant take care of there children
Preferences
sandles over shoes
rain over snow
lakes over rivers and just fuck the ocean I aint getting my ass bit off
watermelon over any other fruit
summer over witer but fall best of all
Want to know anything else just ask
To the women I can actually standTo the few women i can actually stand.
Thank you for not being idiots, self centered and inconsiderate. I thank you for not giving me reason to hate you or give you a new last name that isnt very nice...cough* cough* anyone from the hoe train cough* cough*. I thank you for not going behind my back and fucking me over. I thank you for not talking shit about me . I thank you for making me want to punch you in the face. To those of you who I actually want to spend time with, you rock...your the best fuckin women in the world. Heres a gold star and a cookie to you!
Whenever any of you need me I'll be here for you. I would give my left arm for you (not my right, I'm right handed). If you need a shoulder to cry on I am here for you. If you need someone to get you pissed so you dont have to worry about your troubles I'll be the one to point you in the diretion of the toilet so you can puke...sorry i wont hold your hair unless you want me puking right beside you.
If you cry, I'll cry
If you smile, I'll smile
If you jump off a bridge, I'll miss your sorry ass!
LOVE you all March 20 ButYou once were close to me
But now so far
You once were mine
But now I don't know
You stood by me I felt so warm
But now you do and I feel so alone
You would hold out your dreams for all to see
But now you won't allow a peek
You once dreamt of stars
But now it's turned to sand
You settled for what you have
But what about what you could get
You never told me how you felt
But I always knew what you meant
You never told me what I did
But I figured it out
You've never seen me cry
But today you will
because todays the day
You finally told me the words
I love you but... March 19 The Silence in your EyesWhen I first saw you,
I thought all you'd do was care.
I took a deeper look
all I could see was darkness,
an allusion of the corrosion going on.
You always tried to hurt me
to take away my smile.
Your affection I missdecieved,
I was just a part of your game.
I have so many questions,
but answers lead to pain.
Everyday you revels in my discomfort
Everyday, nothings all I could say.
Simple words;
are not enough,
to describe the way you left me feeling
the anguish, the sorrow, the torment.
Days go on,
cold nights stay.
Disbelieving thoughts my mind will hold
I just want theres thoughts to leave,
I just want you to leave!!!
January 29 simple mindshow is it that once some of the most interesting and intelligent people get even the slightest bit drunk there mind just slips away from them. After a couple of drinks its almost as though the simple ability to string words into a complete sentence becomes impossible. |
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